3 hours of MTV XXXVI

This was te week that MTV decided to launch Spanking New Music, which is a ploy to actually play songs you haven't heard before, and in bulk. The method they do this is mental:

• Monday: two hours of the usual rubbish + two hours of 50% entirely new stuff.
• Tuesday: same old shite
• Wednesday: Sixteen new tracks in the first hour! Then the same hour repeated three times!
• Thursday: Some new tracks, plus a handful of the ones from Monday & Wednesday for two hours - then the two hours back again!
• Friday: the same tracks as Thursday, except they've started the two hour block at 1:00 into the loop, if you get me.

Anyway, more new = good, by whatever means.

Oh alright, Maroon 5 aren't Terence Trent D'Arby after all, they're Jamiroquai. The video far Sunday Morning seeks to position them as the favourite of karaoke singers. Just like, er, Jamiroquai.

A bit of mild skatting and some spanish guitar - it could be a sugababes single. And then No More's d'n'b snares hit the ground running, and Beverley Knight starts singing. The video is urban, IE concrete and fluorescent lights, preferably in a parking garage. It probably says something about how cliched the setting is, and how much Beverley's voice rolls over me, that it's only when the dates of deaths appear superimposed on shop fronts and back alleys that I realise this Roni Size-fueled track is about the tragedy of yoof. Note to myself: Miss Dynamite who sings with Beverley on the Band Aid record is not the same as Dynamite MC on this one.

Thirteen Senses seem to be aiming at the market segment who are looking for Travis, only a bit more plodding, if you would. The video for Thru The Glass (sic) combines the crawling out of a car crash sensibility of Coldplay/Stereophonics/Feeder and the blighted scottish landscape of Travis, to no goddamn effect at all.

The Zutons stand on a stage and play Confusion, their slow sad song about love that was never to be, and the rest of the chaitr, bottles, etc in the room dance. Not like Beauty and the Beast, just slow sad waltzes. Drinking music.

There's a pretty clever idea in the video for Always - split screen in three, keep switching which of the members of Blink-182 is in the top middle or bottom shot, but it's wasted on "quick! under thebed!" farce. The song's not terrible, but never quite hits the sweet spot like All THe Small Things, and wears out its welcome trying.

Okay, were Feeder ever nu-metal or was I just mad? Probably the latter. Tumble and Fall is a pleasant enough slow indie tune, like I Am Kloot or Mull Historical Society without the accents or vim. The video involves the lead singer tumbling/falling. It isn't really very good.

This is a bit more like it, though possibly only a bit. Renegade Calvacade is towards the minimal end of Ash's scale (uh-oh), with some dodgy verses over leaden chords, followed by an enourmous chorus. They appear to be nicking back the vibe that U2 stole for their last single. It would have to be said that I am not feeling their new power chord love. The video is just them playing, they all seem as we left them EXCEPT! the babyfaced drummer has finally embraced his baldness, and grown a goatee. The overall effect is a little disturbing, like Toby from The West Wing suddenly turning up on the skins.

As Fatboy Slim singles go, Wonderful Night is a bit Weapon of Choice, and the dancingness in the video doesn't exactly put that comparison to rest. Closer examination suggests that the main guy in the video, though flanked by two excellent dancers in spats and tails, doesn't actually do much more than shuffle a bit himself, though this is brilliantly disguised. So presumaly he's the Lateef that does such an uninspiring job on the track. THe video's fun - first time.

Galvanise doesn't really move the Chemical Brothers sound on much from Come With Us (its better cousin). The video is a nifty little short film featuring kids in clown gang colours and a half-fighting half-dancing that I used to think I knew the name for, but I thought the name was crunk dancing.

a) Lethal Bizzee is the best name ever. b) He only actually appears for the chorus of grimefest Pow (Forward), so it's chorus, verserverseverse chourus verseverseverse chorus verseverseverse chorus, for a total of 10 actis in a 3.00 song. c) Comparison with 21 seconds are inevitable, and to be honest do the track no real favours. D double E and Napper seem to be someone to look out for, mind you d) There's not much Lethal Bizzee for all that. e) Between the rewinding self-censorship and the MTV blanking, some of the artists get very little indeed

Na Na Na Na sounds like a Nelly party tune, but not as much as it sounds (with the slightly sickened strings) like the J-Tipsy. Which isn't really all that surprising, geographical factors considered. The video looks a bit familiar as well, Nelly dancing in front of a line of cars forever.

So, Babyshambles then: being the new band by Pete Doherty from the Libertines. (or psssibly the other one, Carl Sagan). Killamangiro is a strange mix of the "chorus" from a libertines song, with the monotonic drumming, and a really wandering delivery, like if David Gedge was still around (yes, I know). The video is in hideous black and red, and intersperses the usual band playing shots, with random clips of Carl (or possibly pete) wandering around doing... stuff. Halfway between fan service and a postcard to his mum.

TARROKH BULSARA RIP. And so ends Electric Six's Radio Ga Ga, the greatest video of the 21st century, one that mercilessly takes the piss out of Freddy Mecury, while reminding us that the world will always need the spark of him that lives inside us all. Also, poodles.

Jamie Scott: for people who think Jamie Cullum is a bit too.. freakay. The patented Cullum hand slap on the piano can put some people off, so here's a man and a guitar. He plays a six string for a living, you know, and he's not about to give in, because he's constantly searching for that viiiiiibe. Anyone who can and will stretch vibe to that many sylables need shooting.

There is simply no way to review Ja Rule's New York, due to the fact that over half of every line is blanked. wtf?

THe best part about filming a video for a Joss Stone song which is about having the Right to be Wrong, and how her mistakes will make her strong, is that you can just film her fucking up as well, it's all good material. The worst part is left to yur imaginatiopn (it does have to be said that she has a great voice, but only disaster can follow as long as she writes her own material. Let other people's mistakes make you strong)

There are three main parts to the video for dodgy eurotrance outfit Narcotic Thrust's single When The Dawn Breaks: girls in bikinis dancing in flame, girl in racing leathers driving cars very fast in a race, and girls rubbing car grease all over their tanned body. Bonus if you get to the end: bikinis and champagne!

Rapping isn't just talking over a track, you know. Unless you're Petey Pablo! Goodies is pretty lousy stuff, Ciara (rhymes with tiara) isn't much better, drastically underselling/sexing every line of her chorus and the only good thing about it is the second appearance this week of Jazze Pha.

Lil' Jon's commitment to innovation continues. Where you or I would sample an existing rock band, he's made one up and put them into the video as well! All for a particular noise on the guitar, that, perfected and cleaned-up, is better known as the lightning bolt from Transvision Vamp. I sometimes wonder if Lil' Jon is sort of like the mob in Goodfellas, You come to them when your track needs a bit of oomph (you in this case is Trick Daddy, and your track is Let's Go) then they move into your basement, drink all your booze, chuck a lot of great stuff into the track, including a blistering if indefensible guest spot from Twista, and they shout all over the track, and you just get to look a little mean in the video when everyone's staring at the girls instead.

Long-View, like Kane a few months ago, have in their first video (that I've seen) presented the band as a fait accompli, playing an gig to an enormous crowd. The song in question, When You Sleep is big and useless, like Bush if they had grown up on a diet of Snow Patrol

The video for The Blowers Daughter is smart enough to realise that its biggest selling point is that it's off the soundtrack to Closer, so it doesn't do naff all else except film Damien Rice playing mother may I with a refugee from the 1930s Ireland, all flowing hair and shawls knitted from wheat. The song is the sort of thing that's done much better by David Grey. It picks up for a second before you realise that he's not the first person to wrote about obsession to use the line "can't take my eyes off of you"

It is, I suppose, not much of a surprise that Xzibit's first video since Pimp My Ride hit the screens is related to cars, and tricked out cars at that. The track itself, by name Hey Now (Mean Muggin) is nothing special, due to him rather than Timberland's backing. He's just too genial to be dangerous.

This, annoyingly, is more like it. The video for The Music's Breakin' has one smart idea: the lead singer walks through a world which is in reverse video. Now obviously, this would usually look like shit, but this has been combined with an auxiliary smart idea: film it in black & White (or white & black), and the result looks really nice. The song is also a giant step ahead of their last single, nice drumming, good use of quiet and loud bits, and a stunna of a vocal peformance. If only they could convine Mr The Music to stop dancing. Anyway, this is very good, though I'm sure they'll let me down properly next time.

It's the bastard children of Joe Strummer! Or The Bravery, as the are also known. In fairness, the clash never sounded thisd speed-driven, and the keyborad line that drives Unconditional is very driven. They are of the people, though.

It seems possible to reconstruct the thought processes that went into the video for Live Twice: Darius bears a vague resemblance to Clive Owen, so let's stick him in a tuxedo. Er, but it's only a vague resemblance, but this plan can be extended by switching to black & white. Still needs a bit of heft, so why not stick in a white horse, and if possible a dove? You never know, John Woo might be watching MTv late at night. Though John Woo must have heard better slow crooners than this one.